Barack Obama: Mittens! Joe bet me 20 bucks you wouldn’t call.
Mitt Romney: Listen, Barack-
Obama: It’s actually Mister President. Continue.
Romney: Here we go. Listen Mister President, I’m sorry it took so long to call, but my boys were very upset. Lots of crying… snot bubbles and everything. Not pretty.
Obama: Ugh, sounds awful. You should see how happy everyone is over here. We have champagne and balloons, and someone even made a seven layer dip. It’s crazy good. Why don’t you hop in one of your jets and come on over, I’ll put your name on the list.
Romney: That’s very kind of you-
Romney: Well, I just wanted to say congratulations and wish you the best of luck. Looks like it’s back to the grind for you, huh? Four more years. Four. More. Years.
(:07 seconds of absolute silence)
Obama: When you put it that way, seems kind of…
Romney: Depressing, right? (laughs) Look at it this way, it’s only 1,460 more days. Or, wait, 35,040 hours. Could that be right? (silence) Yep, about thirty-five thousand hours! Anyhoo, I’ll let you get going, I’m sure you’ve got plenty of stuff to do… what with the 16 trillion dollar debt and all the unemployment…
Obama: Yeah, well, thanks for call-
Romney: And China. China’s a big problem.
Obama: Right. We’ve got a lot of work ahead-
Romney: And the wars. Don’t forget about the wars-
Obama: I get it, Mitt.
Romney: Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Obama: Don’t worry about it. Listen, before you go, I wanted to say I thought you put up a helluva fight.
Romney: Thanks. We had some good times, didn’t we? Like that time I bitch-slapped you during the first debate. That was awesome.
Obama: You know I’m going to have you audited, right?
Obama: Amen to that, brother.
Romney: You know who’s a douche?
Obama: Ann Coulter?
Romney: Oh my God, totally! Huge douche! I’m glad we agree on something.
Obama: (laughs) Well, I gotta run, but thanks for the-
Romney: I’m sorry to do this, sir, but Paul Ryan is begging me to talk to you.
Obama: Seriously? Just tell him I don’t have time, I have a speech to give.
(muffled as phone is covered)
Romney: He wants me to ask you if you would ever play racquetball with him?
Obama: No way. Tell him I have a bum knee.
Romney: Great, now he’s upset. (whispering) I swear that kid’s on the juice. Anyway, go give your speech. Lots of people waiting on you.
Obama: Not looking forward to it.
Romney: What are you going to tell them?
Obama: Hmmm, probably the same shit I told them four years ago.
Romney: Ha! Nice one, sir. Goodnight, Mister President.
Obama: Goodnight, Mitt.
More Political News:
So You Voted? INFOGRAM!
7 Tell Tale Signs It’s ELECTION DAY!
Obama Offers $5 Million if Trump Releases Toupée
Obama’s Cure for “Romnesia”
Obama and Romney’s Notes from Presidential Debate