Movies are where we go to be entertained, to laugh, cry, be scared…get a sneaky hand job from a loved one. So why are these people ruining all the freaking fun?
THE MOUTH BREATHER
Why can’t you breathe through your nose? You could grab a Kleenex, down some DayQuil, hell, you could even snort a few lines in the back row…I don’t care what you have to do. Just do something so it doesn’t feel like I have Darth Vader breathing down my neck.
THE TWEEN TEXTER
OMG! Hunter told Foster’s sister’s friend’s best friend’s boyfriend’s cousin that you looked hot in math class? Blah, blah, blah…GO. HOME.
THE ELDERLY COMMENTATOR
Yes! That is Denzel taking another drink again. Yup, she does have pretty hair. You’re right! That IS the guy from OCEAN’S 11. You know how I know that? ‘CAUSE I’M WATCHING IT ON THE SAME MAGIC MOVIE SCREEN AS YOU! IT’S RIGHT THERE! How about you keep all these pointless thoughts inside that geriatric brain of yours?
THE SNACK ATTACKER
Are you in prison? Are you the youngest kid in a litter of 7 degenerates? No? Then stop eating like a goddamn animal. As you rip into your Starbursts and assault your popcorn, you’re also raping my movie watching experience.
Two words, parents: DVDs and DVDs.