5 Ways Michael Bay Can Ruin Our Childhood
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Since everyone’s beloved action-movie director, Michael Bay, is taking a second swing at our childhood with his sic-fi version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and let’s not forget the insidious Transformers trilogy. Here are 5 other nostalgic treasures we can expect Bay to destroy in true cinematic fashion.
1.) The Magic School Bus: Desert Storm
The Magic School Bus was once a whimsical automobile that taught kids about the power of learning through exploration and imagination… but not anymore!
In Desert Storm, director Michael Bay takes Ms. Frizzle’s class to the sandy dunes of Afghanistan, where they learn that the magic school bus is also a vehicle of DESTRUCTION. Christina Hendricks stars as the sexed-up, gun savvy Ms. Frizzle. Fizzle will do anything to rescue her estranged lover, held in captivity by al-Qaeda. The class learns a valuable lesson about the power of KICKING ASS.
2.) Pokemon: Poke-Mutants
In the Pokemon world, trainers and Pokemon co-exist peacefully. Some trainers catch Pokemon for sport, some use them as pets, and a few bastards use Pokemon for evil (damn you, Team Rocket!). But that premise isn’t quite badass enough for Michael Bay.
Poke-Mutants starts off with Team Rocket experimenting in Pokemon DNA replications. But Squirtle hits the fan when a lab accident results in an entire breed of genetically mutated, blood-thirty Pokemon that wreak havoc all over the city. It’s up to a beefed-up Ash Ketchum (played by Taylor Lautner) to prove that he has the PokeBalls to save his people. And yes, select Pokemon will be voiced in a cringe-worthy urban dialect.
3.) Clifford: Operation RED-DOG
We all know the story of Clifford, the big red dog who gets into big red problems because of his comically large size. Though, through it all, his owner, Emily Elizabeth, loves him unconditionally. But that’s just a big, red, steaming pile of BORING.
In Operation RED-DOG, the town presses charges for all the structural damages Clifford has caused. Deeming him a monster, the court decides to banish Clifford. Begging the question: who’s the real monster? Society? A tear-wrought Emily Elizabeth, played by Brooklyn Decker in her most dramatic role yet, says goodbye. But not before a secret government organization swoops in to take Clifford away to use him for [insert sketchy military tactic here]. Em-Liz teams up with a group of hackers, because hackers are inadvertently young and smart, to rescue her canine friend.
4.) The Berenstein Bears: The Right to BEAR Arms
The Berenstein Bears are the strangely human-like family of four who go through every day life, teaching children lessons vicariously through their own woodsy struggles. But the eponymous grizzly pack needs another element for a Michael Bay movie… an element that’s out of this world.
That’s right, in “RTBA” the Berenstein Bears are from a distant planet ruled by bear humanoids such as themselves, called “Beartopia.” Running low on fuel, the family travels to Earth to obtain the Mystic Berry, which has unexplained mystical powers. Using CGI technology a la Avatar, all of the bears will be played and voiced by Hugo Weaving against his will.
5.) Mario Kart: Trail Blaze
Mario Kart is a beloved ongoing gaming series featuring everyone’s favorite Italian plumbers and their posse. Now, most of you probably don’t see a plot that could be crafted from this, and neither does Michael Bay… but that hasn’t stopped him before!
Trail Blaze will take us to the underworld of Mario Kart racing, where Bowser has set up illegal circuits, letting Koopas and Toads race for their freedom from his malevolent power. Miley Cyrus stars in her first gritty role as a drug addicted Princess Peach, forced to succumb to Bowser’s claws for his money. Mario and Luigi (played by Danny DeVito and Joe Pesci) rev up their engines and take the circuit by storm to win Peach back before she overdoses in Bowser’s hands.