1. Your Endlesss Invites
Thanks for reaching out, but I don’t want to play “Lucky Slots” with you. And why do you want to add me to your Birthday Calendar when birthdays are already listed on your newsfeed? Also, sorry, but I can’t make your improv show because you live 6 hours away…by plane. And while I understand your reasoning from a PR standpoint, your start-up company you’re running out of your guest bedroom will in no way benefit from me ‘liking’ it.
2. Your Joint Account
You, couples/families with the joint facebook account: every time I see “The Wilson Family Facebook Page Likes This” or “Tom and Meg Harrison Commented on Your Status”… my eyes roll back in my head.
Not because it’s endearing, but because your lack of trust is painfully blatant. Maybe you know you’ll cheat on each other if either of you is left out in the Internet alone for five seconds. Or maybe you’re trying to protect your 12-yr-old daughter from becoming one of those girls who posts selfies in her Victoria Secret PINK underwear (which will happen eventually anyway – I can already tell by looking at her). Or even if you’ve genuinely become this lame and think it’s fun to have a joint account, I refuse to subject myself to this any longer. So I have to cut ties with [all of] you.
3. Your Obsessive Liking
We met once at a party two years ago. Neither of us knew anyone there, so we engaged in small talk. We talked about the rug for ten minutes, stared in silence and then I made an excuse to go to the bathroom. When you friended me on Facebook, I wondered how you found me. Now here we are two years later and I still can’t shake you! You don’t really “Like” all the things I post, do you? Are you flirting with me? Internet-stalking me? I’ve been ignoring it, but your recent routine of liking my profile pictures from four years ago – at 3am on a Tuesday – is just too Creepy McCreeperson. I’m sorry; I really did enjoy our convo at that party.
4. Your Check-In Addiction
I haven’t seen you or spoken to you in 15 years, so how come I know that yesterday you went to Coffee Bean, then work, then the gym, then back to work, then to 7-11 to shit in their private bathroom and buy some Funyuns, then to the pharmacy to pick up your birth control, then to Baja Cantina to meet ‘the girlz’ for happy hour (OMG), then back to your house, which you always tag as “Casa de Mi”… ???? It all annoys me, but that “Casa de Mi” thing is the last straw.
5. Your – Wait…Who R U?
Wait, who the hell are you? How did we become friends? I’m pretty sure you don’t mean for a stranger to be looking at pictures of your sonogram, or hearing about your sibling’s test results, or know your phone number and home address (you can fix that in privacy settings, btw). So bye forever, stranger. I’ll miss not knowing you.