The future is a scary place. In the days to come, we’ll all be living in a dystopic technocracy where thought police monitor our every move and are privy to our deepest desires. The buildings will all be riot-proof and made of grey concrete. All forms of art will be suppressed. That’s not a prediction; that’s a fact. Here are some real inventions that will soon help usher in this new age of technological oppression.
1. Mind-reading Technologies
Scientists are on the cusp of developing pieces of technology such as headbands that can read brainwaves and, in turn, your thoughts. On the one hand, this seems awesome. You’ll be able to type, control household items, and surf your favorite porn sites with nothing but your mind.
On the other hand (which will be totally free to do whatever), this could spell the end of free will and privacy as we know it. Imagine a world where the government can hack into your brain. Where lying becomes an impossibility. Where your whole family knows what you’re thinking when you see your cousin Cindy (Second cousins are still cousins you sick f*ck). That’s not a world I want to live in.
2. 3D Printed Guns
Guns are bad. Real bad. And right now, it’s pretty damn easy to get a gun in this country. All you need is to be over 18 and not a convicted felon.
But in the future, these un-American restrictions will be a thing of the past. With 3D printers, you’ll be able to print a semiautomatic weapon in the comfort of your own home. These things are like easy bake ovens but instead of making chocolate chip cookies for eight-year-old girls, they make hand cannons for rampageous psychopaths. Take that government.
3. Invisibility Cloak
By bending light around an object, scientists are on the verge of making invisibility a possibility. Right now, it only works when you look at the object from a certain direction. But invisibility will be here soon and you won’t even see it coming (See what I did there? You won’t even see invisibility coming. Because how could you? Invisibility is invisible.)
Sure, invisibility cloaks are cool if you’re Harry Potter prancing around Hogwarts with Emma Watson and no consequences. They’re less cool when some invisible nut-job sneaks into your apartment, violates your girlfriend, and eats all your totino’s pizza rolls. Then, when the cops come, you have to tell them that a ghost ate all your pizza rolls. They throw people in padded rooms for that type of thing.
4. Personalized Bioweapons
This shit is scary. Basically, in the not too distant future, scientists will be able to engineer personalized viruses. Most people who are exposed to a given virus will only come down with light flu-like symptoms. But when the virus spreads and interacts with a specific person’s DNA (say a prominent world leader), it’ll kill them and kill them fast.
The scariest part about this is it’s practically untraceable and unpreventable. The only way to even try to stop this is to destroy all traces of DNA someone might leave behind so that engineers can’t build the virus in the first place. So burn your sheets, file off your fingerprints, and blowtorch that old tube sock kiddies. The future’s coming.
5. Cyberbug Drones
In the future, the CIA will create cyborg moths to spy on citizens and foreign dignitaries. I’m not just being paranoid; it’s in the works. Computer chips will be placed inside insect larva and when the adult insect emerges, its flight muscles can be controlled remotely.
Bugs are scary enough as is and now in the future, they’re going to have f*cking robot parts in them? I hope someone shoots me in the head with a 3D printed gun before these ungodly Franken-bugs are flying all over the place.
Maybe I’m overreacting. Some technological breakthroughs will help people like the handicapped and the starving. But who cares about them?! In the future, technology will turn against us normal folk. We’ll have microchips embedded in our arms and giant, sentient robots on our tails. We’ll be stripped of our names and just become numbers. The machines will turn on us! The singularity is coming! Prepare to bow down to our android overlords.
Stay in the present for as long as you can humans. It’s the only place that’s not the future.