5 Tragedies That Will Get You the Body You Always Wanted!

It’s so hard to exercise, eat right, and make healthy decisions.  That’s why we’ve compiled a number of horrible life events that would, on the upside, keep your weight down and help you look great!

1. Rare bacterial infection

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Bartonelli bacilliformis is an opportunistic infection of the blood, but it can also attack your lymphatic and immune systems.  Beach body here I come!

2. Severe depression

As crippling and lonely as chronically severe depression can be, it also means you won’t be eating as much, mainly because you’re having trouble even getting out of bed.  It’s pretty hard to eat ice cream and weep quietly at the same time!

3. Soviet Gulag

Do you find it difficult to stick to a work out regimen?  The secret police can help, with eighteen hour days, 7 days a week!  Of forced manual labor!

4. Famine

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If you live in a region affected by natural or man-made famine, then you’ll have no problem staying away from fatty foods, because, well, there’s no food at all!

5. Gypsy Curses

Basically the plot to Stephen King’s book Thinner, but if it really happened: A gypsy puts a curse on you, which causes you to rapidly lose weight until you die a slow and painful death.  A curse like that would be scary, but did you catch that part before “slow and painful death”?  It was “lose weight”.  Bingo!  There’d be a little time in between being fat and dying where you’d look pretty dope.