You might think your life is going okay, but after you see this list, you’ll realize that you’re nothing but a funny little boy with no manliness. Never fear. Soon you shall be dripping in awesome juice. Because after all, what is a man if not a collection of all the cool stuff he owns? Thus, we give you the 14 Items No Real Man Should Exist Without.
1. A Motorcycle Grill
You know what are pretty cool? Grills. You know what’s even cooler? A grill that looks like a motorcycle. That’s right barbecue fanatics, your favorite pastime just got a little manlier. You’re welcome.
2. A Funny Little Mini-Billboard In Your Beard
Guess what men of the world, you can now get paid to advertise in your facial hair. And to think, all this time your mom told you that growing a dope beard would prevent you from getting a job.
3. A Beer Pong Table That Washes Your Balls
No, not those balls, you pervert. I’m talking about your ping-pong balls. Oh yeah, this sport of kings just got a little classier.
4. A Denim Tobasco Holder
Because when you tell people that you love hot sauce, you want them to know that you REALLY love hot sauce.
5. A Combination Jet Ski/Kayak
Know why this guy is so happy? Because he’s riding a combination jet ski/kayak, that’s why. And if you had one, you would feel like Poseidon, almighty Lord of the Sea too.
6. A Gun That Shoots Beer
Finally, an invention that combines the awesomeness of guns with the (usually) nonviolent fun of drinking beer.
7. A Lightsaber Desk Lamp
Because it’s important that the force always be with you, even when you sleep.
8. A Nintendo Bed
Speaking of nerdy bedroom accessories, this Nintendo homage will bring you sweet dreams of days spent playing Mario and Zelda as you curl up in bed each night. And fellas, if she’s cool, she’ll be into it too.
9. A Jet Pack
This is a jetpack. It exists, like, for real, in real life. You will never be able to afford it. But if by some miracle you do ever have enough money to buy one, then you automatically have to do it. That’s just the way it woks.
10. A Bottle of Bacon Cologne
I mean, who doesn’t love the smell of bacon? It’s so obvious!
11. A Predator Helmet
IT’S A PREDATOR HELMET! SO YOU RIDE AROUND ON YOUR BIKE LOOKING LIKE PREDATOR FROM THE MOVIE PREDATOR! HOW CAN YOU NOT BUY THIS!?
12. An Arcade You Can Make With Your iPad
AND AFTER YOU FINISH RIDING AROUND PRETENDING TO BE PREDATOR YOU CAN COME HOME AND PLAY ON YOUR OWN MINI-ARCADE MADE USING YOUR IPAD! SERIOUSLY, WHY WOULD YOU OWN AN IPAD AND NOT OWN THIS TOO!?
13. A Flask That Looks Like Binoculars
That’s right, your love for love of getting hammered in public no longer has to conflict with your love of not going to jail. Now, you can sip all you want, and pretend your just out doing a little birdwatching (or whatever people do with these things.)
14. A Globe Drinks Cabinet
And as long as we’re on the subject of alcohol, it’s worth noting that your love of getting hammered in your home no longer has to conflict with your love of cartography. Enjoy surveying the majestic world, as you hold a drink in your hand, thinking about all the places that you can’t go go to because you spent your money on this thing. Totally worth it.