5 Things you Didn’t Know you Could Legally do in America

There are too many rules in this country. I pay taxes. I contribute to society. So why shouldn’t I be allowed to do what I want so long as my actions don’t infringe upon the rights of others? I thought America was the land of the free, yet I’m constantly being told by strangers in blue uniforms that I can’t piss here. Or that I can’t have three wives there. Or that I can’t use the organic almond butter for that in the middle of the Whole Foods. But here are 5 things you can actually do without legal ramifications in this otherwise plutocratic police state we call America.

1. In Nevada, you can hire a prostitute


Prostitution is illegal in every state in the union save for Nevada. There are currently 28 legal brothels operating in the Sagebrush State. Unfortunately, all of these brothels exist in rural counties outside the vicinity of Las Vegas and Reno. Fortunately, you possess the ability to rent a car to drive an hour out of the way to legally pay for sex. Who knows what kind of crazy sh*t goes down in a brothel in the middle of some deserted ghost town? You might even be able to negotiate some Scream Mask action.

2. In Tennessee, passengers can drink alcohol in a moving vehicle

Booze in car

This is both one of the best and worst ideas I’ve ever heard. On the one hand, drunk driving is a real problem in this country. On the other hand, ROAD BEERS! I mean, is there anything worse than not being able to drink a lukewarm Natty Light during the 15-minute ride over to Kevin’s parents’ house where more lukewarm Natty Light awaits? Mouth cancer, you say? Yeah, that’s probably worse. But that whole driving to Kevin’s place with no beer thing is a close second.

3. In Colorado and Washington, you can smoke weed

seattle high

As of the first day of 2013, marijuana became legal to possess and to use in both Washington and Colorado. However, marijuana possession is still illegal under federal law. But f*ck the federal government. It wouldn’t know a good idea if it blew a gravity bong’s worth of pot smoke in its collective face. Being high as a Georgia pine and up to your elbows in Papa John’s pizza is not only an awesome way to not look for a new job but, in Washington and Colorado, it’s your civic duty. The sale of marijuana will generate millions in much needed tax revenue to help build schools, roads, and hospitals.

4. In Arkansas, a man can beat his wife once a month

wife beating

I don’t remember the good old days because I wasn’t alive for them but if I was, I’d probably look fondly upon the times when you could smack your old lady senseless while free from the judgmental gaze of your neighbors and the law. Well, in Arkansas, there’s no need to wax nostalgic because, apparently, the past is happening now. In Arkansas, you can still teach your soul-mate important life lessons with the back of your hand. So the next time your little pooh bear spoils the fifth season of Dexter when she knows you’re still waiting for the DVDs to come in from Netflix, you can take a nice, leisurely drive down to Arkansas. The one catch is you’re only allowed to “educate” your beautiful bride once every month. So it’s probably best to save those road trips for the end of the month when you’ll have plenty of schooling to do.

5. In Utah, you can possess a nuclear weapon


Now Utah really knows what freedom is all about. Well, at least it does when it comes to weapons of mass destruction. In the beehive state, it is perfectly legal to own a FREAKIN’ NUCLEAR WARHEAD, so long as you don’t detonate it. Honestly, I never understood people who owned nuclear weapons and didn’t detonate them but then again, I never knew anyone who owned a nuclear weapon because it’s totally illegal in every other place on the face of the earth. We went to war because we thought some guy 6,000 miles away had a nuke. But in Utah, you can get in more trouble for jaywalking than for having an H-bomb in your basement. This is a state that is essentially a theocracy where it’s almost impossible to get a stiff drink. But thermonuclear weapons that can lay waste to entire cities are cool? What the f*ck Utah? I hate to say it but I think this takes freedom a little too far.