7 Absurd Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions

7 Absurd Celebrity New Year’s Resolutions

2012 has been a year of countless celebrity mishaps. In reflection, The Leek decided to suggest New Years resolutions for 7 of 2012’s biggest celebs. Of course, like everyone else, these resolutions will be dead and buried a week into January. Then again, who knows, maybe Charlie Sheen will become an international humanitarian…

1. Ke$ha


New Year’s Resolution: To become more sparkly and unicorn-y.

Success Prediction: After having a neon horn surgically implanted into her forehead and stripper glitter permanently grafted into her skin, Ke$ha will declare her “new me” a complete success. The rest of the world begs to differ.

2. Tyler Perry

tyler perry

New Year’s Resolution: To NOT roll out his fat suit Madea character.

Success Prediction: Not happening. Nothing will stop Madea from invading TBS and your Netflix. Get ready for Madea Goes to Jail 2 and 3 in 2013!

3. Donald Trump

donald trump

New Year’s Resolution: To cut his Obama hating down to two public outburst per fiscal quarter.

Success Prediction: This will ultimately fail when Obama ignores Trump’s requests for the president to release details about where he spent his spring break of ’89.

4. Charlie Sheen

charlie sheen

New Year’s Resolution: Kick all drugs and alcohol and become an international humanitarian.

Success Prediction: Expect Charlie Sheen to shock the world over when he starts a rehabilitation program for adult film stars. At first, all will be skeptical when Charlie announces that the program will include one-on-one counseling sessions with himself. By year’s end though, the program will be declared a complete success and Angelina Jolie will look like a third-world deadbeat humanitarian compared to Sheen. Must be the tiger blood.

5. Kim Kardashian

kim kardashian

New Year’s Resolution: To think about someone else but herself for more than 10 minutes without Tweeting about it.

Success Prediction: Looks like this has a fairly good chance now that Kim’s pregnant with Kanye Wests’ love child. Don’t put too much faith in Kim though…once that baby shows up on the sonogram she’ll be drawing up contracts with E! for a spin-off series: Keeping Up with Kim and Fetus.

6. Betty White

betty white

New Year’s Resolution: To be the first senior citizen to appear in Playboy.

Success Prediction: Okay, I know, that’s gross. But it would be pretty hilarious. I don’t think we have to worry though…the only thing that’ll happen to Betty with this resolution is getting bumped up on her meds.

7. Taylor Swift

taylor swift

New Year’s Resolution: To stop looking for true love and let true love find her.

Success Prediction: All is going well until the second week of February when Taylor internally begins to freak out that Valentines Day is just days away and she’s single that week. After hooking up with the American Idol reject of week 4, what follows is a three month blitzkrieg of breakups, makeups, and meltdowns involving 1/5 of the males on Disney Channel’s payroll and culminating in a proposal song to John Mayer.