10 Drunken Amazon Purchases

Online shopping: there’s a right way to do it, and a wrong way. The right way is to have a good idea of what product you’re in the market for before hitting the web to compare and contrast different listings to get the best deal. The wrong way is to stumble into your office after a long, sad night at the bar, throw your debit card onto the desk, and commit drastic fiscal irresponsibility.

The following items are usually purchased as a result of the latter method.

1.  Yodeling Pickle


Product Description:  A plastic pickle that totally yodels when you press the button, because you didn’t really need that ten dollars anyway. Also doubles as a sexual-enhancement device for someone with a very specific fetish – something involving a Swedish musician, perhaps?

yodeling the original autotune


2.  $100 Bill “Funny Money” Toilet Paper Roll


Product Description:  Ever wanted to feel like a famous rapper, literally wiping your ass with money you made by degrading women and rhyming the N-word with itself? Now you can do so at a very affordable price! 

3.  Heinz Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding

Product Description:  In case you can’t find it at your local market, why not buy a six pack of pudding online? There’s certainly worse things you could be doing…even though we both know you bought it simply because it says “dick” on the label.

spotted dick


4.  Big Mouth Toys Red Cup Shots

Product Description:  The iconic “red cup” from so many college-based memes, now in shot glass form! Less likely to break when that girl tries to pour a round at four in the morning.

red cup shot glasses


5.  Kinky Kim Filthy Inflatable Blow Up Love Doll 

kinky kim inflatable sex doll

Product Description:  When hookers just don’t have the patience anymore, why not jam your cock into this?  Don’t even worry about cleaning it – it’s called “filthy” for a reason.

bad luck Bryan sex doll

6.  Sexy Suzy Inflatable Party Sheep 

inflatable sex sheep

 Product Description: For those who need to bone something both non-organic and non-human. The discerning plastic-porker, if you will.  You surely won’t regret this purchase tomorrow morning! 

blow up sheep


7.  Vampire Slayer Kit

 Product Description:  The perfect gift for that weird Van Helsing fan in your life.  Or, the perfect solution to the Twilight fan in your life.

how twilight should've ended

8.  Radiant Farms Unicorn Meat

Product Description:   A sparkly hunk of “food.”  Ever wonder what Soylent Green would taste like if they used Liberace’s corpse to make it?

9.  Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank

Product Description:  Have you ever wanted a personal mini-tank to help you through those lonely winter days / potential Chinese invasions? Look no further, you psychotic ape!  Not responsible for any Rampage-style murder sprees.

10.  Wolf Urine

 Product Description:  The pee of a wolf.  Lupine urine. It’s pretty self-explanatory, what more do you need?