If you are presently cat-sitting while your girlfriend goes to visit her boyfriend to “end it face to face,” there’s a pretty good chance that you’ve entered the Friendzone. You can sit there and wonder how you swallowed every ounce of dignity you possessed to get there, or you can use these easy steps to get the hell out.
1) No mix-tapes, poems or writing songs for her on your guitar.
Here’s the problem: The minute you show up with your guitar or anything that you’ve written in your neatest handwriting, you might as well just start crying and begging her to love you.
2) Tell Her You Just Took Your Dream Job In Another City.
She won’t believe you at first, mostly because she doesn’t believe you could ever leave her. You may actually have to pack up your entire apartment to fully commit. Upside: If she buys it, she sleeps with you and then you tell that you’re giving up your dream job for her. Downside: If this doesn’t work, you have to move to another city.
3) Take Her Fattest and Ugliest Friend Out on a Date
Her first reaction is probably going be to laugh or show in some way that she thinks less of you for dating such a hog. But here’s where you turn the tables: “You know, Margot is actually pretty cool. What, just because she’s not as attractive as you, you think she’s not lovable? Man, are you shallow.” Once you establish that you don’t care about looks and that you’re having a better time with her best friend, she’ll practically rape you. And when that happens, text fat Margot that you got a job out of town.
4) Fart in Front of Her
This is the hardest one and definitely has a high risk/high reward. Look, the message your trying to send to her is I’m over you. Nothing says that more than a loud, eggy fart. It’s as if you’re saying, “Would I ever do that if I had any intention of sleeping with you?” Granted, if it doesn’t work, she’s completely done with you, but it all works out because this frees you up to move on to some other girl you’ll completely fuck up with.
5) Take Her To a Whisky Tasting Bar
Find a place that is known for having really great whisky, but sell it like it’s a classy thing to do. “I hear that they have 14 different barrels in the cellar and that one of them is made by Oprah.” The Oprah part is key. No girl ever feels threatened by anything involving Oprah. Bottom line? Women cannot hold their whisky.
6) Laugh When She Tells You About Her Relationship Problems
Again, this takes nerves of steel because it’s going to hurt her. When she says, “He says he’ll have more time once his band gets picked up by a label,” you need to laugh. Hard. And then when she asks what’s so funny, you have to look out the window, shake your head and mutter, “People fucking baffle me.” The more she wants you to elaborate, the more you don’t. Just keep looking at her and shaking your head like she’s incapable of ever understanding what you do.
7) Be a Moving Train
Never have much time for her. Every time you see her, start by saying, “Sorry, I actually gotta split in fifteen minutes to [go to Vegas/meet some friends at the beach for a bonfire/meet my agent]. The message your sending is that your train is leaving the station and she better get on now.
8) Tell Her She Needs a Better Haircut
What kind of an asshole would say this? An asshole who wants to get out of the Friendzone, that’s who.